The catalyst behind every step of my journey into this heart centered life was a desire to be Awake. I was not sure what that was going to look like but, I knew I was ready for whatever it was going to take to get there.
When I turned 50 I became the primary caregiver for my mother. After a painfully tumultuous childhood fueled by alcoholism and mental illness this would not have been a wise choice, but for many reasons it felt like my job. After a lifetime of struggling with food addiction…this was a level of stress and trauma that put me over the edge. I gained well over 100 pounds during this time.
10 months before my mother’s death I hurt my shoulder and started physical therapy. This injury would actually become the greatest gift and catalyst for the transformation of my life. Lying on a Pilates reformer at 240 pounds…being able to move and feel graceful along with the kindness of the physical therapist woke me up, into my body! I became filled with a sense of personal responsibility and the deep promise to never hurt myself with food again. I have never looked back.
After my mother was gone, I started to meditate and practice Qigong. For the first time in my life I was able to feel the sensations of being fully alive. I developed gratitude for being able to feel everything from grief to joy…a whole new life.
A Journey of Deep Awareness
Since 2010 I studied the Dharma and meditation and as the Zen saying goes, I practiced “Like my hair was on fire!” I was passionate in my desire to learn…Theravada, Vajrayana (Dzochen), Subtle body work and Kashmir Shaivism. This journey started at Insight LA with Trudy Goodman. Mindfulness practice opened the door to what felt like a spiritual candy store for a new way of life! The core teachings of the Buddhist Dharma were the first spiritual principles that ever touched me on such a deep level. This felt like home for me.
I worked with many wonderful teachers and became certified to teach meditation by Judith Blackstone (Realization Process…Embodied Spiritual Awakening).
In 2015 after 2 ½ years of daily practice with the teachings of Reggie Ray we had an extraordinary meeting where he gave me his blessings to incorporate his teachings on Somatic Meditation and The Sacred View into my practice. When my yoga teacher, Erich Schiffman, would end the class by saying “remember, you are LOVE!” I just knew this was what I wanted in my life. My view of the spiritual path of non-duality is the road to remembering that we are not separate from Divine Love. Love had to be the ground of being, the container for the emotional depth work that would be my path.
As I had deeper awareness about myself and my history my passion became understanding preverbal trauma and the energy of a rejected fetus, infant and/or child. The life force of this un-nourished, un-nurtured being will be looking for love, safety and nurture. But, we usually don’t know why. This is a form of trauma, deeply buried, that creates belief systems we can carry, unknowingly, our whole lives, affecting everything we think and everything we do. It is highly misunderstood in the esoteric AND medical healing communities. The correlation between trauma and binge eating became very clear. The hunger for love and connection becomes distorted into hunger for food, sex, shopping and taking care of others to quell the unbearable neediness and desire for safety. Take the drug away and all of this starts to come to the surface.
Learning to be present, in the present for the truth…the grief, the anger, the reality of loss and sadness and allow it to move through you is the gift you can give to yourself. It was the beginning of my life of freedom.